Wednesday, February 24, 2010

And Now For Something Completely Different

Nothing like a nice ego boost while draining the lizard.

Using the bathroom at work can be an adventure. Presidents, VPs, Directors, and clerks all become equals when you step into the Men's Room. Each of you is there for a very specific purpose and most times very little is said about work. Things get even more interesting when you make a visit to the stall. More on that in a bit.

Being at my current job for over 5 years, I've shared a bathroom moment with just about every guy in the company. Most are pleasant. We might chat about a sporting event (Did you see Kobe make that last minute shot to win the game last night?), a new movie (Were you forced to sit through Valentine's Day this weekend?), someone famous (Conan really got screwed over by NBC!), or maybe tell a joke (Is this where all the dicks hang out?). But sometimes things get a little weird.

A couple times I've crossed paths with a certain guy in the halls who I'm pretty sure doesn't know my name. That's not a big deal. It's what he does to say hi that bothers me. Most people will say something like "Hey man, how are you?" or "Hi there! How's it going?" when they don't know someone's name. But not this guy! Oh no! He goes with the wink! I'm a firm believer in the idea that no guy should ever wink at another guy. Ever. It just doesn't look good. Even if one guy is trying to flirt with the other guy, it just doesn't work. The wink is made 1000 times worse when it happens in the Men's Room. Now I'm uncomfortable while taking a leak next to this guy. (Man law states that a one urinal boundry must be kept at all times. However, in my work restroom, there are only two urinals.) This man-on-man wink needs to stop immediately! And it especially needs to stop when either man is entering/exiting/or currently in the restroom.

As if that wasn't weird enough, I have another strange bathroom occurance to rant about. This one involves a different guy at my work. Thankfully it doesn't involve me directly. When guys use the urinals, nearly every guy will unzip, do his business, zip up, wash their hands and leave. For some reason this guy has to be different! While standing at the urinal, this guy will undo his belt, unfasten his pants, unzip his pants, and untuck his shirt to take a leak! I have no idea why he can't just unzip and keep things as put away as possible, but that's not the whole story yet! Most guys while taking a leak at the urinal will also aim for the back wall for a nice silent stream with minimal splash. The other day, I was in the stall when I heard The Process Pisser doing his thing at the urinal. Then I heard a continuous spalsh sound while at the urinal. This confused me. I started to think, "If he is splashing at the urinal, he isn't aiming at the back wall. Doesn't that mean that there is a possibility of him splashing on his pants since he is standing so close to the urinal?" I have no idea why this guy does all this, but I find it quite odd.

Hopefully your adventures to the bathroom are not nearly as eventful as mine.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Claw Game

I suck at these games!

Today I was reminded of a time when I was much younger and used to spend a lot of time and money in arcades. I used to love to play Street Fighter II and Mortal Combat as well as any pinball game I could find. I'd play just about any game in the arcade that I could get my hands on except for one. The claw game!

One day, before I developed my hate for this type of game, I saw a prize inside that I had to have. I don't remember what it was, but it was something that I really, really, really liked and I just had to win it! At this point, no other game in the arcade even existed to me. The pinball machine could be broken and giving out free games, I wouldn't have noticed. My heart was set on winning that prize inside the claw game.

So there I am with a pocket full of quarters and I start to play this terrible claw game. Each game costs 50 cents, which is more than most of the other games I enjoy playing, but I didn't care. I wanted to win that prize! First attempt isn't even close. The prize doesn't budge. I think to myself, "OK Gabe. This isn't going to be easy, but you can do it!" I pop in two more quarters are play again. My claw glides down to the prize and it starts to close around it, but it slips out. I try a third time and I still don't get the prize up into the air.

After three attempts I'm still prizeless, but I haven't lost hope. I'm learning the ways of the machine and making adjustments as I go. On the fourth attempt I get the claw wrapped around my prize securely! The claw glides back up into the air, but I can see that my prize is slipping out of the loose grip of the claw. When the claw moves sideways to the dropbox, my prize falls down and I've lost again! Now the prize is in a new area of the machine and I have to rethink my strategy.

I play a fifth game. My two quarters go into the coin slot and I'm determined to win. The claw slides around inside the machine as I control it. I drop the claw down to my prize, but another prize gets in the way and throws me off course. My claw is empty once again as it raises from the prize floor. I learn from this. I study the prizes inside a little harder and see a way to get my claw onto the prize.

I play a sixth game. I guide the claw into position and it slowly lowers down inside the machine. It comes to rest on the prize that I've been eyeing for what seems like an eternity. The claw starts to raise up, but it doesn't close around my prize! Stupid machine! By this time I'm pretty frustrated. I've practically spent all my arcade money for the day, and I've only been there for about 10 minutes! I decide to give it one more shot.

Needless to say, my seventh attempt at winning this prize is a complete failure once again. I haven't got much money left, I've used up all of my patience, and I have nothing to show for it. The fact that I'm a little stubborn and unwilling to quit when I see something I like has gotten me nowhere. Finally, I decide that this prize is not worth all the trouble I'm going through and I decide to look around for another game in the arcade to play. Even if I find another game, I know that I won't be as satisfied. But sometimes, you just have to cut your loses and move on.