And Now For Something Completely Different

Nothing like a nice ego boost while draining the lizard.

Using the bathroom at work can be an adventure. Presidents, VPs, Directors, and clerks all become equals when you step into the Men's Room. Each of you is there for a very specific purpose and most times very little is said about work. Things get even more interesting when you make a visit to the stall. More on that in a bit.

Being at my current job for over 5 years, I've shared a bathroom moment with just about every guy in the company. Most are pleasant. We might chat about a sporting event (Did you see Kobe make that last minute shot to win the game last night?), a new movie (Were you forced to sit through Valentine's Day this weekend?), someone famous (Conan really got screwed over by NBC!), or maybe tell a joke (Is this where all the dicks hang out?). But sometimes things get a little weird.

A couple times I've crossed paths with a certain guy in the halls who I'm pretty sure doesn't know my name. That's not a big deal. It's what he does to say hi that bothers me. Most people will say something like "Hey man, how are you?" or "Hi there! How's it going?" when they don't know someone's name. But not this guy! Oh no! He goes with the wink! I'm a firm believer in the idea that no guy should ever wink at another guy. Ever. It just doesn't look good. Even if one guy is trying to flirt with the other guy, it just doesn't work. The wink is made 1000 times worse when it happens in the Men's Room. Now I'm uncomfortable while taking a leak next to this guy. (Man law states that a one urinal boundry must be kept at all times. However, in my work restroom, there are only two urinals.) This man-on-man wink needs to stop immediately! And it especially needs to stop when either man is entering/exiting/or currently in the restroom.

As if that wasn't weird enough, I have another strange bathroom occurance to rant about. This one involves a different guy at my work. Thankfully it doesn't involve me directly. When guys use the urinals, nearly every guy will unzip, do his business, zip up, wash their hands and leave. For some reason this guy has to be different! While standing at the urinal, this guy will undo his belt, unfasten his pants, unzip his pants, and untuck his shirt to take a leak! I have no idea why he can't just unzip and keep things as put away as possible, but that's not the whole story yet! Most guys while taking a leak at the urinal will also aim for the back wall for a nice silent stream with minimal splash. The other day, I was in the stall when I heard The Process Pisser doing his thing at the urinal. Then I heard a continuous spalsh sound while at the urinal. This confused me. I started to think, "If he is splashing at the urinal, he isn't aiming at the back wall. Doesn't that mean that there is a possibility of him splashing on his pants since he is standing so close to the urinal?" I have no idea why this guy does all this, but I find it quite odd.

Hopefully your adventures to the bathroom are not nearly as eventful as mine.

Mondays suck!

I think the majority of the world would agree that Mondays suck. No matter what you do, how much you make, or who you work with, you always hate to see your weekend come to an end. Going back to work on Monday is never any fun. The reasons for work on Monday not being fun will vary widely though. I thought about this today as I was walking across the street to help someone with a minor problem that they couldn't tell me any information about aside from "It's not working!" So I thought I'd write about some of the awesomely crappy jobs I've worked in the past to help alleviate my pain.

In high school I worked at Toys R Us. If you collected Star Wars action figures or Hot Wheels, this was an ideal job. However, there were some drawbacks to it like any other job. The place is a giant toy store. Kids go crazy when they see so many toys that they want. And of course, the parents just don't care about controlling the kids while inside TRU. I've seen kids use the restroom in the aisles while a parent just turns their head. I've had to clean up puke in an aisle right next to the restrooms. Kids will pull toys of the shelves and just toss them away as soon as they see something new making a huge mess to clean up.

The parents were not much easier to deal with. I worked at Toys R Us during two interesting times. First, I was there when the Tomagotchi was huge, and at the same time UPS went on strike. So we had this amazing toy that everyone in the whole world wanted 3 of and we weren't getting any shipments of them. So parents would scream and yell at me, the lowly Toys R Us employee, because UPS they couldn't find the toy their kids wanted. They'd tell me to go look in the back after checking the inventory in our computers and seeing that we had none in stock. Kind of like the movie Waiting, we found ways to get our own revenge. We'd go to the back to "check for a toy" and hang out with a fellow employee for 10 minutes while the parent twisted in the wind up front. We didn't care, we were getting paid minimum wage. Other times we'd grab the toys and hide them somewhere in the store for ourselves.

The other interesting time that happened while I was working at Toys R Us was the Christmas that the Tickle Me Elmo first came out. Rabid parents are 100 times crazier at Christmas time. Having our store hours extended until midnight for a month didn't help either. Toys R Us helped prepare me for how to deal with insane people later in life. Whether I'm at work or not, I somehow seem to draw the crazies towards me.

The other job that I worked which I think had some influence on my future was a valet driver. In college I worked as a valet driver for a Viejas Casino in San Diego. I think everyone should work for tips at least once in their life. It really opens your eyes to how hard some people work for such crappy pay. Makes you see how much certain jobs (restaurant servers, valet, hotel maids, casino dealers etc.) really rely on tips. It's pretty bad when you get excited over a $2 tip. Having worked that job for a mere 3 months really changed the way I thought about tipping.

Well, I feel better. Maybe now I won't be so frustrated when I ask a user to "log off and sign back in" and instead, they shut down their computer. Oh well.

p.s. Happy Easter

Why are you bad America?

I've found that people have a real hard time with anything that deviates from their normal daily activities. Give someone a new phone and all of a sudden they forget how to dial. Move a form to a different place on the network and now filling in a date becomes difficult. I don't know why this is, but I find it very confusing.

I don't think I've mentioned this before, but I work in the IT department for my company. So the two examples I mentioned earlier are from personal experience. I get to answer questions from my company's users on all kinds of computer, printer, and/or phone related topics. I found a website that is full of funny and confusing stories and I often check it out when I need a good laugh.

So whenever you think you deal with some really dumb people, go check that site out and laugh at someone else's misfortune. It always makes me feel better.

Weekend Fun!

This past weekend was one of the few that I actually had something to do planned for each day. Friday night I went to the Brea Improv to see Bob Saget. You might remember him as Danny Tanner on the show Full House (before the Olsen Twins got all druggie looking) or maybe as the host of America's Funniest Home Videos. If you see him live, don't expect anything G rated to come out of his mouth. I've seen him live once before and I think his randomly dirty humor is funny to me because of his past tame roles. I was sitting right up front next to the stage, which was a little too close I think, but still fun. He picked on some audience members, talked about Kimmie Gibler and other Full House peeps, and sang dirty/funny songs for us. My favorite being "Danny Tanner Was Not Gay" sung to the music of the Backstreet Boys song "I Want it That Way."

Saturday morning I woke up early and went to Pechanga Casino (on an Indian Reservation in Temecula, CA) to play poker with Jeff. We both played in the morning tournament, but didn't make the money. Afterwards we played some limit cash games and I ended up winning $88. Not bad for the low limits we play. After that we headed home to rest up for dinner at Benihanas. We had a group of friends together to celebrate Alan's birthday. After stuffing my face on steak, shrimp, vegies, steamed rice, a sake bomb, and some ice cream, we headed home to play a little beer pong. Always a lot of fun with this group and it provided one of the funniest quotes ever from the quietest guy in the group. One of those you had to be there moments. We were all cracking up. Good times.

Sunday morning and afternoon I didn't do much. I was still recouperating from the previous night. I spent most of the day on the couch watching some NCAA basketball and High Stakes Poker reruns. That night I headed out to the House of Blues in Anaheim to see Less Than Jake. Jeff and I made a stop in the bar before heading in to see the show and had a couple beers. The show was a lot of fun. I discovered a new band that I'm going to have to check out called The Expendables. They put on a really good show just before Less Than Jake took the stage. LTJ played for about an hour. They played a few old classics like "9th and Pine" and "Happyman" as well as plenty of new stuff (which I didn't know). I'll have to buy a new cd from them too. Getting home at midnight made Monday morning tough. But luckily I survived.

I've got my eyes set on another concert in the near future now, but I'll need to find someone to go with me. OK Go is playing the HOB on April 10th. I might just have to go alone. I'll keep ya posted.